Love

November 12, 2010:
I don't think I've mentioned before that after Al first passed I saw a couple of very good mediums. They had information about Al that I didn't know about and was able to confirm with his sister, so this confirmed there is something to this. I figured I didn't want to continually pay someone to connect with him, so I found a class and learned to be a medium myself. I know that may seem a little out there; okay, maybe a lot out there to some of you. But the thing is, I've been able to connect with those that have crossed over (died). I've helped complete strangers connect with their loved ones. I get the loved one's name and things about them I have no way of knowing. The person who has come to me to connect with their loved one is as surprised as I am at the accuracy of the information I receive. I always ask the person to not tell me anything about the loved one - their gender, their relationship with them, if they're human or animal - because I want to be sure I'm not being giving unintended clues or information.

Today, I felt Al's presence and asked him what message he wanted to give me. "Love" That's all I got. I then felt guided to pull a stone from my bag of stones with inspirational words on them. There's 14 stones in the bag, each with a different word. The word I pulled: "Love"

So this brings me to the message I want to convey in this post -- Everything I've read says that when someone has crossed over, they continue and their love for us continues. This journey with Al has proven to me first hand that this is true. I also believe we all have the ability to connect with our loved ones, we just have to be open to it.

When you least expect it ...

November 6, 2010

I've been hired to record the music for a meditation CD. It's been a great experience and Wednesday last week I finished the track for the first meditation. I thought I should sit and listen to it and try to follow the meditation to hear how the music flowed with it (or not). Right after he said "take a deep breath and exhale," I immediately saw Al off in a distance, standing in a meadow. I wasn't expecting that at all! It was if I was watching as the 3rd party because I saw myself standing next to him. I saw him hug and kiss me. I asked him why he was so far away, and why I haven't been able to feel him around me lately. He said he's always been around, but because I've been grieving him so much lately it has lowered my vibration and I'm not able to sense him. That's also why I'm now seeing him so far away.

Just seeing and connecting with him brought the tears. I had a great cry, which I really needed. Right after that he came close and I began watching from the 1st person viewpoint. He stayed with me through the entire meditation. It was as if he was physically right there. We talked and laughed, goofed around, made jokes. I can't tell you how incredibly good it felt to be with him again. At one point, as we were walking and holding hands, he told me he didn't want me to be alone. He wanted me to find someone to be with. But he would always be here, and he'd definitely be waiting for me when it was my time to cross. But I have a lot of years left here and he didn't want to see me alone.

When the meditation ended I sat in silence for a while, still feeling Al's presence. I said, "I love you, sweetie. I miss you so much. Thank you for the visit today." He was still right there and he said, "I miss you too." He blew me a kiss, then said, "I'll be waiting. Until next time."

Like I said, it was an incredible experience. But once I came back my logical and skeptical mind crept in and I started questioning whether he had really visited me, or if my mind had made it up because I was missing him so much. So I said to Al, "If you really came to me, please send me a heart." In my mind I visualized a crystal heart.

Saturday morning a harp student I haven't seen for over a year called and asked if she could take a lesson that day. I was able to fit her in, and when she arrived she said she felt like she needed to give me something. She handed me a rose quartz crystal shaped in a heart!!! I was totally shocked and amazed. I couldn't hide my reaction, so I had to explain to her. (She's very much into the spiritual and connecting with spirit, so I knew she wouldn't think I was crazy. She also didn't know about Al.) (BTW, rose quartz is often connected with love and the heart.)

After I told her about Al and my meditation experience, she said that there was something else she wasn't going to tell me because she thought it'd be too weird. She said that not only did she feel she needed to give me the crystal heart, but when she was in the store, she felt she needed to buy me a bouquet of flowers. So she figured Al must've wanted me to have flowers too (which is very much like him. He used to bring me flowers.) She said she wanted to buy some for me after her lesson, but I told her it wasn't necessary, it was the message that was important.

So she left feeling really good that she had confirmation she was hearing spirit correctly, and of course I'm bursting with happiness on cloud 9. A couple hours later I went to get something out of my car, and on my doorstep was not one, but 3 humongous, colorful bouquets of flowers, and a potted orchid. Al loved orchids, they were his favorite. A final confirmation that Al was sending me gifts through my harp student.

This Can't be Coincidence

March 26, 2009
I've been taking a mediumship class to learn how to connect with those that have crossed over. We practice by trying to connect with a friend or relative that's passed of someone in the class. That way the person can confirm whether we're getting correct information or not. It's pretty amazing how we get detailed information we have no way of knowing.

This evening I suggest people try to focus on Al. They know he was my beloved, but that's it. Several people saw a car accident, and a few other things that were right on. But these two things are the really important pieces: One person said Al was showing her a knight in shining armor. He protected me before and is still protecting me. She felt he wanted to propose. (Al's sister had told me she believed Al was going to propose to me.) Another person said Al says I'm still beautiful and he wanted to know if I received the coin he recently sent. I said no coins recently.

One Week Later
I went to the Renaissance Faire with a friend. As I'm walking around, I see a booth with copper and silver medallions. They all have different symbols and signs stamped on both sides. There's a book of hundreds of things you can have stamped on them as they'll custom stamp them for you right there. There were about 2-3 dozen copper medallions hanging in a row and I reached up and pulled one out at random. It was a knight in shining armor! Wow! Pretty amazing. I started to walk away, then thought I should look at the other side. I found it again and turned it over. On the back was a large, ornate "A"!!!! I don't see how anyone could say this is a coincidence. A week ago I'm told that Al says he's my knight in shining armor and he's sending me a coin. And now the medallion, that looks like a large coin, that I randomly pull out of dozens of them has a knight in shining armor on one side and an "A" on the other!

Yes, of course I bought it!!

Another coincidence?

March 18, 2009
I'm at work doing a mindless job. I'm thinking about things and for no reason in particular I think "who am I?" I hear Al's voice and in all his wit and humor he says, "You are a child of god." It was so funny the way he said it; I could totally hear his voice and get the intended joke. (We are (were) both not at all into religious dogma, but very spiritual, and we like to joke about ourselves and beliefs, keeping things light and fun.)

Of course I start questioning whether I really heard Al, or if I had made it up. I decided it was highly likely I had heard him because his voice was so clear, so unexpected, and it was so him.

About 5-10 minutes later my friend Jeanette calls. She HAD to tell me about something that had just happened. She used her speed dial (as usual) to call her friend Ann. A man answers so she asks for Ann. There's no Ann there (wrong number, but no way she could have mis-dialed since she used her pre-programmed speed dial). The guy who answered - his name is Al! What are the odds of:

a) her speed dial dialing a wrong number
b) the person at the end of the wrong number is named Al
c) I just had what I think is a communication from Al

All of these things happening pretty much simultaneously? It could happen, but pretty darn weird.

Concidences?

March 14, 2009
Al & I had several weird things in common: we're both left handed, we both had the same exact blue point Siamese cat that we adored; they could have been twins. Mine was male, his female. Tonight I found another thing in common.

I used to always wear a watch, but haven't for years. But for some reason, tonight I decided I should have a working watch in case I needed it. For what, I don't know, but I just did. So I went through my drawer and found the watch I used to wear all the time. It has a black leather strap and wide round face with a second hand and date. There was something very familiar about it, other than I used to wear it. I went to my cedar box where I keep my most precious things and pulled out Al's watch. The crystal was cracked and it didn't work because Al was wearing it when he was in the accident. But it looked just like my watch that I had bought years before meeting Al. I turned over my watch and engraved in the back: "Italian design" Al being full blooded Italian, it just struck me as a bit odd.

Tunes in My Head

March 13, 2009
Songs just seem to pop into my head from nowhere; songs I heard a long time ago and haven't thought of for years. I feel they're a message from Al, that he's somehow put them into my head. That happened today. The Michael Jackson song "Rockin' Robin" just popped into my head from nowhere. I remember it from my childhood. To me it was just another bubblegum pop tune, so I couldn't figure out what sort of message he was trying to send. So I did a search on the internet and found out that Rockin' Robin was a single. The song on the flip side: "Love is Here and Now You're Gone."

Meditation

November 20, 2008
I've been going to wonderful meditations recently. I find it brings me a sense of peace that's very profound and healing. Tonight, during the meditation I saw Al walk through the door. He walked to me and held me. I felt his arms around me. I could feel our hearts connect. I suppose this could all be in my imagination, but it felt so very real.

Nov 12, 2008 Journal Posting

It's been 8 months since Al passed, and I'm still feeling extreme grief. Sometimes the grief lifts, and I am able to laugh and feel joy. Then I feel guilt, that I'm betraying him for not grieving. But I realize I need to love myself. And loving myself is doing things that bring me joy, peace, happiness and love. Loving myself is not sitting in a corner grieving. It's important to not only love those around me, but myself as well; to find compassion and love for myself. I think those that are on the other side would want us here to continue to live, to feel joy and to laugh. Not sit in a corner and grieve.

Lights On (or off?)

October 29, 2008:
Tonight I decided to see if my floor lamp, that has not been working the past several weeks, would turn on. I flip on the switch and there was light! Cool. This hasn't happened for some time. The light stays on. Even better! About 30 minutes later it turns off. Oh well. About 5 minutes later it turns back on. ?? Another 5 minutes later it turns off. WTF? Faulty wiring, I suppose?

But then I got the bright idea (pun intended, sorry!) to ask Al if he was messing with the light. So I asked him if he would turn it back on. It immediately flickered on and off. I asked a second time, and again it immediately flickered on and off. I waited several moments and asked again. Same thing - flickers on and off at the same moment I ask. I'm sitting across the room from the light, no cats, moths, or breeze anywhere near the lamp. Concidence? Possibly. But weird it flickered exactly when I asked, and only when I asked.

It's a Roller Coaster

October 21, 2008
My close friend Lora came over for a bit. Somehow the conversation came around to Magic Mountain (which is one of my favorite amusement parks). I told her Al couldn't go because of his heart condition, but felt that not going to Magic Mountain was an extremely minor concession compared to having him in my life.

As we were talking, I had my computer playing tunes via Pandora.com. Right as I said I didn't mind not going to Magic Mountain, the Beatles "She's Got a Ticket to Ride" started playing. Weird! Even stranger is that I had de-selected Beatles in my music choices on Pandora.

Channel Surfing

October 20, 2008
Hoo Boy! I'm watching TV - channel 13. Get up to put on some soup. As I come back into the living room, the TV starts changing channels!!! First to channel 1 (which is not a channel with anything on it), then stops at channel 4; where it's showing a commercial with a bride and groom.

Besides the fact that the remote cannot change channels unless the DVD is on, which it was not, the remote was on the table, sitting by itself.

He's On FaceBook!

August 16, 2010: Yes, I'm jumping ahead to Al's latest "sign" to me. It's crazy! If anyone has any logical explanations, let me know.

A few days ago I was having a discussion with a friend, saying it's been almost 2-1/2 years since Al passed, and I think he's gone on, as what I've read say the dead do. Rather than being constantly by your side, they only come around when you need them. After that conversation, I put a thought out there to Al that if he is still around me, just give me a sign.

Later that same day, I was confirming a new friend on FB. As I was looking at her profile, a photo of Al's head pops up in the advertising column on the right. It was just his head with a huge grin on his face, and looked like it had been cropped from a photo. I sat staring at it, at first not believing what I was seeing. How the heck did his photo get into the advertisements? It didn't go away, he just sat there smiling at me. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the photo, and it took me to MY photo album, displaying the photo of Al & I sitting together at our favorite pub in Van Nuys, Ireland's 32. We were sitting side-by-side, shoulders and hips pushing into each each. He had his hand on my head and was pulling my head to his, both of us sporting a huge grin.

Crazy! I guess he's still around more than I think. Love you, sweetie.

Toot Sweet

May 18, 2008:
We've just landed in LA from NY, and are walking to the car. As I'm pulling my luggage behind me, I have a sense of Al walking beside me. In fact, I could almost see his outline. "Don't be silly," I said to myself. "You just think you see him because you miss him so much." At the very end of that dismissive thought, a car horn sounded - it was one of those horns that toot out a musical theme. This one was the theme from the Godfather. [Al's full-blooded Italian] LOL! Confirmation I did see him?

Pennies from Heaven

May 15, 2008:
Leaving today for Al's service in New York with his family. This will be the first time I'm meeting his sister, brother, nieces and others. Not the way I wanted to meet them. Unknown to me, at the wake I put together (with help of friends) in L.A., one of my friends passed a basket around to help pay for a ticket to NY. At this point I wasn't even going to go to NY, even though everyone strongly suggested that I do. Not only did she collect enough money for one plane ticket, but for two. (Al was very loved and probably 200+ people showed up at his wake.) I took my friend Lora for support.

As we're standing at a small table next to our departing gate in LAX, waiting to board, Lora went off to get some coffee. While she was gone I had another conversation in my head with Al. I asked him if he could please be with me on the plane. I had a sense of a hesitant, "okay." I realized his family probably needed him more right now. I felt he confirmed that, so I told him it was okay to go and I'd meet him there. I then doubted I was having a conversation with Al and dismissed it as my imagination.

Shortly after that, as Lora came back with her coffee, a man in a dark blue suit, walked right up to our table, put a Canadian penny on the table, and then walked away, all without a word. We both thought it very odd. Then I remembered my friend telling me about the American custom that finding a penny means someone that has crossed over is sending their love. Wow!

May 18, 2008:
Heading back to LA from NY. At JFK, Lora went to find us some bottled water. She returned, eyes wide, saying "you're not going to believe this!" At the kiosk there were NY sweatshirts. She decided she'd buy one for herself. Blue is Lora's color. Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue. However, this day she decided she wanted brown. The large sizes were on the top of the stack of brown sweatshirts; she needed a medium. She dug down to find a medium, and sitting slightly tucked inside the sweatshirt was a penny!

While Lora was away finding pennies, I had been writing in my journal:

"In talking with Al's sister, she told me Al said he finally met someone that gave back. He always talked about me; was always looking for my call [when he was in NY]. She and her daughters were so happy he had finally found someone he could fall in love with. THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD!"

It's in the Soup

4/30/08:
Two of Al's closest friends took me to lunch. They lived on the other side of the continent and the wake was the first time I had met them. We sat and chatted about Al and all ended up ordering the same lunch: tortilla soup. When the waitress brought our order, she commented that she had been inspired to get creative with the sour cream. As she put down the bowls, I saw that she had drawn a clover and a star in the others' soups. As she put down my bowl, I found a large heart drawn with sour cream. Earlier that day, in my mind, I had a one way conversation with Al (meaning I talked to him). I told him how much I loved him and would always love him. I guess this is how he figured out how to let me know he still loves me. He was a very clever and creative man in life, I guess he kept those talents in spirit.

First 2 Weeks

The first 2 weeks were a blur. I spent them in Al's apartment helping Jack, the executor to his Trust, do all the things one does. So here's all the odd things that happened in those first 2 weeks:

Jack had to rent a car since he had flown in from out of state. The rental company gave him the exact same car Al drove, a black Ford Explorer. Jack didn't ask for it and was in total shock when he saw it.

As I was helping to clean out Al's apartment I kept being drawn to a pair of green slippers and a white tin of candy. I wanted to take them with me, but logic kept telling me I was nuts. He had so many beautiful pieces of artwork, why was I drawn to slippers and candy? Later in the day his sister called from New York and asked if he had had the chance to give me the green slippers he had brought back for me!! and she also asked if I had found a white tin of Italian candies he had bought and was popping endlessly he liked them so much.

At one point I started doubting how much he loved me (I later learned this is a common feeling). That same day, his niece emailed her eulogy which included Al's dream of moving to Italy with "his beloved Aedan."

4/25/08: His sister found a gift certificate for Bed, Bath & Beyond. She used it and drove home wishing she had another one. On an impulse she looked in her gift certificate envelope (apparently she had several for other places) and found another one from BB&B she swore wasn't there before. It certainly could have been an oversight, except the gift certificate was from Al and it had expired on the day of his death 4/14/08.

Later in the day, as I was walking up the stairs to his apartment, I was wishing for a tangible sign for myself from Al. As soon as I walked in the door Jack and my friend Kristy said, "You want a sign?" ???? I'd never said anything out loud to anyone; in fact, I had just thought it just then coming up the stairs. They gave me a Euro with a harp on it (I play harp). Kristy said she had just found it on Al's desk and the weird thing was, she had completely cleaned off the desk earlier in the day. I was later told by a friend that it's an American custom that if you find a penny it's from a departed loved one. Little did I know then he was to send a lot more coins in very unusual ways.

Two of my friends both heard a male voice shouting their name two days after Al passed. One was sleeping and it woke her up; the other was in the shower. Both asked their roommate/husband if they had called for them and both answered, "No."

4/28/08: I was sitting in the living room talking on the phone to a friend. My apartment then was full of noises from creaking floorboards from overheard neighbors, to birds and squirrels outside; it was constantly filled with noises of some sort that I learned to ignore. Suddenly, a noise in the corner of the room caught my attention. I looked in that direction and thought "Al?". Then I noticed the glass door on my antique clock was open. I've had this clock for years and the door has never opened on its own.

4/29/08: Came home from work, tired, depressed. The cat gets out and does his usual "chase me" game. This usually goes on for at least 10-15 minutes. As soon as he got out I just felt too drained for the game and thought, "Al, would you please get the cat to stop." The cat immediately dropped to the ground and waited for me to pick him up.

4/30/08: One of Al's friends for many years (and originally someone he had dated in his 20's) called me to see how I was doing. When she started talking about an old girlfriend of Al's, the phone started crackling so I couldn't hear what she was saying. When the crackling stopped, she was on another subject.

That morning the phone woke me early. The ring tone was the tone I had set to let me know when Al was calling, and I only had it programmed for Al's cell and home phones. By this time both had been disconnected. It rang once then stopped.

Day 1

My boyfriend Al & I are very close. We met each other later in life (in our 50's, though most people think we're late 30's/early 40's because we both have the young, impish energy and look about us). He's a gorgeous Italian, I'm a petite, cute Irish redhead. After our first date there wasn't a day that went by where we didn't connect in some way: in person, phone, email, text, IM; usually a combination of the above.

On Monday, April 14, 2007, Al didn't return my phone call. That was totally unlike him; on days we couldn't see each other we talked several times on the phone. By the evening I was starting to panic. I reasoned that he probably returned home from his long drive and fell asleep; he'd done that before. I'd call him at 6am the next morning, his normal wake-up time.

On Tuesday, April 15 (tax day), I called him at 6pm. No answer. Okay, he's probably in the shower. 6:15 still no answer. 6:30, 6:45. I'm now in a full blown panic. I live in the San Fernando Valley, he in Santa Monica. I threw on clothes and jumped in the car. Before I left I called my friend Margaret; no answer. On the way over the hill my cell rings - the display says "Al" (or so I think). Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! He's okay. I answer, I hear his voice say, "You tried calling me?" WTF? "Yes!!!! I tried calling you yesterday when you didn't call me back!!!"
"I was supposed to call you?"
"Yes!!!! I was so worried that something had happened to you!!!" I was in tears in both relief and upset.
"I was supposed to call you?"
..... wait, this isn't Al's voice. "Who is this?"
"It's Margaret sweetie. What's going on?"
So I tell her. She's in Portland, but asks me to call her when I get to Al's. My plan is if his car isn't in the driveway I call 911 and report a missing person. If it is there and he doesn't answer the door, I call 911.

I arrive, his parking spot is empty. I call 911. They ask his name, destination and time he was supposed to arrive. I tell them, they put me on hold. They come back on the line and tell me they're connecting me with the coroner. The coroner comes on the line and asks me his name, birthday and address. I tell them. They say he was in a fatal auto accident and they have his wallet. They give me his description: 6'1", 200+ lbs., brown eyes, short dark hair and beard. No! OMG, maybe they switched wallets with another person in the accident and he's okay, or in the hospital. Al is 5'8", about 140, green/blue eyes, long black curly hair and no beard. She tells me she's not the coroner and he won't be in until 2:00pm. It's now 7:45am. I give her my contact info and hang up. I'm in complete and total shock.

I call Margaret, she says to call Ana, so I do. By the time I returned to my apartment 6 friends were waiting for me. By the time the coroner called, I had a dozen friends in my apartment. The coroner confirms it IS Al that died, and that he apparently lost consciousness while driving, the car hit the embankment on the 10 freeway, rolled and he was ejected; killed instantly on impact. No other cars were involved.

I now have to notify his friends and family. Problem is, I only have his sister's phone number and I've never met or talked with her. (He had been planning to take me to New York in the summer to meet the family.) Two of my friends were able to get into his apartment and find his contact list. So I start calling. I left a message for his sister: "This is Aedan, Al's girlfriend, he's been in an accident, please call me." His sister's return call was the most difficult call I've had in my life, as they were very close.

This was the start of an experience that has completely changed my life in many ways. Some are obvious. Some I don't think I've realized yet. But the impetus behind this blog is to put my experiences out there so others who have lost a loved one, and feel they've received communication from them, know you're not alone, you're not crazy, you're not imagining things.

The rest of my blog describes all the communications I've received from him, which started the day after his death. I started writing them down right away so I wouldn't forget. I'm now on my 4th journal. Many of the communications can be "explained away" as my imagination or coincidence. Many cannot. I leave that to you to decide.

If you're reading this before my next post, which is the start of my communications from Al, I apologize, but I need to run off to a meeting. But I'll start with day one very soon ...