Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Nov 12, 2008 Journal Posting
It's been 8 months since Al passed, and I'm still feeling extreme grief. Sometimes the grief lifts, and I am able to laugh and feel joy. Then I feel guilt, that I'm betraying him for not grieving. But I realize I need to love myself. And loving myself is doing things that bring me joy, peace, happiness and love. Loving myself is not sitting in a corner grieving. It's important to not only love those around me, but myself as well; to find compassion and love for myself. I think those that are on the other side would want us here to continue to live, to feel joy and to laugh. Not sit in a corner and grieve.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Lights On (or off?)
October 29, 2008:
Tonight I decided to see if my floor lamp, that has not been working the past several weeks, would turn on. I flip on the switch and there was light! Cool. This hasn't happened for some time. The light stays on. Even better! About 30 minutes later it turns off. Oh well. About 5 minutes later it turns back on. ?? Another 5 minutes later it turns off. WTF? Faulty wiring, I suppose?
But then I got the bright idea (pun intended, sorry!) to ask Al if he was messing with the light. So I asked him if he would turn it back on. It immediately flickered on and off. I asked a second time, and again it immediately flickered on and off. I waited several moments and asked again. Same thing - flickers on and off at the same moment I ask. I'm sitting across the room from the light, no cats, moths, or breeze anywhere near the lamp. Concidence? Possibly. But weird it flickered exactly when I asked, and only when I asked.
Tonight I decided to see if my floor lamp, that has not been working the past several weeks, would turn on. I flip on the switch and there was light! Cool. This hasn't happened for some time. The light stays on. Even better! About 30 minutes later it turns off. Oh well. About 5 minutes later it turns back on. ?? Another 5 minutes later it turns off. WTF? Faulty wiring, I suppose?
But then I got the bright idea (pun intended, sorry!) to ask Al if he was messing with the light. So I asked him if he would turn it back on. It immediately flickered on and off. I asked a second time, and again it immediately flickered on and off. I waited several moments and asked again. Same thing - flickers on and off at the same moment I ask. I'm sitting across the room from the light, no cats, moths, or breeze anywhere near the lamp. Concidence? Possibly. But weird it flickered exactly when I asked, and only when I asked.
It's a Roller Coaster
October 21, 2008
My close friend Lora came over for a bit. Somehow the conversation came around to Magic Mountain (which is one of my favorite amusement parks). I told her Al couldn't go because of his heart condition, but felt that not going to Magic Mountain was an extremely minor concession compared to having him in my life.
As we were talking, I had my computer playing tunes via Pandora.com. Right as I said I didn't mind not going to Magic Mountain, the Beatles "She's Got a Ticket to Ride" started playing. Weird! Even stranger is that I had de-selected Beatles in my music choices on Pandora.
My close friend Lora came over for a bit. Somehow the conversation came around to Magic Mountain (which is one of my favorite amusement parks). I told her Al couldn't go because of his heart condition, but felt that not going to Magic Mountain was an extremely minor concession compared to having him in my life.
As we were talking, I had my computer playing tunes via Pandora.com. Right as I said I didn't mind not going to Magic Mountain, the Beatles "She's Got a Ticket to Ride" started playing. Weird! Even stranger is that I had de-selected Beatles in my music choices on Pandora.
Channel Surfing
October 20, 2008
Hoo Boy! I'm watching TV - channel 13. Get up to put on some soup. As I come back into the living room, the TV starts changing channels!!! First to channel 1 (which is not a channel with anything on it), then stops at channel 4; where it's showing a commercial with a bride and groom.
Besides the fact that the remote cannot change channels unless the DVD is on, which it was not, the remote was on the table, sitting by itself.
Hoo Boy! I'm watching TV - channel 13. Get up to put on some soup. As I come back into the living room, the TV starts changing channels!!! First to channel 1 (which is not a channel with anything on it), then stops at channel 4; where it's showing a commercial with a bride and groom.
Besides the fact that the remote cannot change channels unless the DVD is on, which it was not, the remote was on the table, sitting by itself.
Saturday, August 21, 2010
He's On FaceBook!
August 16, 2010: Yes, I'm jumping ahead to Al's latest "sign" to me. It's crazy! If anyone has any logical explanations, let me know.
A few days ago I was having a discussion with a friend, saying it's been almost 2-1/2 years since Al passed, and I think he's gone on, as what I've read say the dead do. Rather than being constantly by your side, they only come around when you need them. After that conversation, I put a thought out there to Al that if he is still around me, just give me a sign.
Later that same day, I was confirming a new friend on FB. As I was looking at her profile, a photo of Al's head pops up in the advertising column on the right. It was just his head with a huge grin on his face, and looked like it had been cropped from a photo. I sat staring at it, at first not believing what I was seeing. How the heck did his photo get into the advertisements? It didn't go away, he just sat there smiling at me. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the photo, and it took me to MY photo album, displaying the photo of Al & I sitting together at our favorite pub in Van Nuys, Ireland's 32. We were sitting side-by-side, shoulders and hips pushing into each each. He had his hand on my head and was pulling my head to his, both of us sporting a huge grin.
Crazy! I guess he's still around more than I think. Love you, sweetie.
A few days ago I was having a discussion with a friend, saying it's been almost 2-1/2 years since Al passed, and I think he's gone on, as what I've read say the dead do. Rather than being constantly by your side, they only come around when you need them. After that conversation, I put a thought out there to Al that if he is still around me, just give me a sign.
Later that same day, I was confirming a new friend on FB. As I was looking at her profile, a photo of Al's head pops up in the advertising column on the right. It was just his head with a huge grin on his face, and looked like it had been cropped from a photo. I sat staring at it, at first not believing what I was seeing. How the heck did his photo get into the advertisements? It didn't go away, he just sat there smiling at me. Out of curiosity, I clicked on the photo, and it took me to MY photo album, displaying the photo of Al & I sitting together at our favorite pub in Van Nuys, Ireland's 32. We were sitting side-by-side, shoulders and hips pushing into each each. He had his hand on my head and was pulling my head to his, both of us sporting a huge grin.
Crazy! I guess he's still around more than I think. Love you, sweetie.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Toot Sweet
May 18, 2008:
We've just landed in LA from NY, and are walking to the car. As I'm pulling my luggage behind me, I have a sense of Al walking beside me. In fact, I could almost see his outline. "Don't be silly," I said to myself. "You just think you see him because you miss him so much." At the very end of that dismissive thought, a car horn sounded - it was one of those horns that toot out a musical theme. This one was the theme from the Godfather. [Al's full-blooded Italian] LOL! Confirmation I did see him?
We've just landed in LA from NY, and are walking to the car. As I'm pulling my luggage behind me, I have a sense of Al walking beside me. In fact, I could almost see his outline. "Don't be silly," I said to myself. "You just think you see him because you miss him so much." At the very end of that dismissive thought, a car horn sounded - it was one of those horns that toot out a musical theme. This one was the theme from the Godfather. [Al's full-blooded Italian] LOL! Confirmation I did see him?
Pennies from Heaven
May 15, 2008:
Leaving today for Al's service in New York with his family. This will be the first time I'm meeting his sister, brother, nieces and others. Not the way I wanted to meet them. Unknown to me, at the wake I put together (with help of friends) in L.A., one of my friends passed a basket around to help pay for a ticket to NY. At this point I wasn't even going to go to NY, even though everyone strongly suggested that I do. Not only did she collect enough money for one plane ticket, but for two. (Al was very loved and probably 200+ people showed up at his wake.) I took my friend Lora for support.
As we're standing at a small table next to our departing gate in LAX, waiting to board, Lora went off to get some coffee. While she was gone I had another conversation in my head with Al. I asked him if he could please be with me on the plane. I had a sense of a hesitant, "okay." I realized his family probably needed him more right now. I felt he confirmed that, so I told him it was okay to go and I'd meet him there. I then doubted I was having a conversation with Al and dismissed it as my imagination.
Shortly after that, as Lora came back with her coffee, a man in a dark blue suit, walked right up to our table, put a Canadian penny on the table, and then walked away, all without a word. We both thought it very odd. Then I remembered my friend telling me about the American custom that finding a penny means someone that has crossed over is sending their love. Wow!
May 18, 2008:
Heading back to LA from NY. At JFK, Lora went to find us some bottled water. She returned, eyes wide, saying "you're not going to believe this!" At the kiosk there were NY sweatshirts. She decided she'd buy one for herself. Blue is Lora's color. Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue. However, this day she decided she wanted brown. The large sizes were on the top of the stack of brown sweatshirts; she needed a medium. She dug down to find a medium, and sitting slightly tucked inside the sweatshirt was a penny!
While Lora was away finding pennies, I had been writing in my journal:
"In talking with Al's sister, she told me Al said he finally met someone that gave back. He always talked about me; was always looking for my call [when he was in NY]. She and her daughters were so happy he had finally found someone he could fall in love with. THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD!"
Leaving today for Al's service in New York with his family. This will be the first time I'm meeting his sister, brother, nieces and others. Not the way I wanted to meet them. Unknown to me, at the wake I put together (with help of friends) in L.A., one of my friends passed a basket around to help pay for a ticket to NY. At this point I wasn't even going to go to NY, even though everyone strongly suggested that I do. Not only did she collect enough money for one plane ticket, but for two. (Al was very loved and probably 200+ people showed up at his wake.) I took my friend Lora for support.
As we're standing at a small table next to our departing gate in LAX, waiting to board, Lora went off to get some coffee. While she was gone I had another conversation in my head with Al. I asked him if he could please be with me on the plane. I had a sense of a hesitant, "okay." I realized his family probably needed him more right now. I felt he confirmed that, so I told him it was okay to go and I'd meet him there. I then doubted I was having a conversation with Al and dismissed it as my imagination.
Shortly after that, as Lora came back with her coffee, a man in a dark blue suit, walked right up to our table, put a Canadian penny on the table, and then walked away, all without a word. We both thought it very odd. Then I remembered my friend telling me about the American custom that finding a penny means someone that has crossed over is sending their love. Wow!
May 18, 2008:
Heading back to LA from NY. At JFK, Lora went to find us some bottled water. She returned, eyes wide, saying "you're not going to believe this!" At the kiosk there were NY sweatshirts. She decided she'd buy one for herself. Blue is Lora's color. Blue, Blue, Blue, Blue. However, this day she decided she wanted brown. The large sizes were on the top of the stack of brown sweatshirts; she needed a medium. She dug down to find a medium, and sitting slightly tucked inside the sweatshirt was a penny!
While Lora was away finding pennies, I had been writing in my journal:
"In talking with Al's sister, she told me Al said he finally met someone that gave back. He always talked about me; was always looking for my call [when he was in NY]. She and her daughters were so happy he had finally found someone he could fall in love with. THIS IS SO FUCKING HARD!"
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